One Month

Dear baby boy,

Today you are one month old. I can’t believe it, really. Sometimes I look down at you and still can’t believe you’re actually here, a little person, in our family–it almost seems like this must be someone else’s baby that I’m just babysitting for awhile. But other times I look at you and can’t remember or imagine our lives without you, and you seem like you’ve always been with us.

You’ve had a pretty amazing month, all told. You’re already growing and changing before our eyes, and your face is filling out, while your hair is getting lighter in color. You seem lankier, too–and not quite the tiny little guy we brought home. I have a feeling that if I ever get around to actually dressing you (right now, you live exclusively in dipes and t-shirts), none of the newborn outfits will fit you.

You’re still pretty unpredictable, and as Daddy reminds me, you’ll have many more days of unpredictability, so I’m just relaxing into a routine of no routine, if that makes any sense. We spend most of our time nursing, and walking around the house when you’re fussy. And sometimes we sleep.

You don’t interact much, yet, but there are glimmers there. Starting at about 3 weeks, you seemed to be more alert, and started to spend more time looking at us. We talk to you a lot, and I try to sing to you, but I don’t remember many baby lullabies, and I’m such a hormonal sap still that I often end up crying through the songs I do know. I’m not sure why–probably because I think this time is so precious and fleeting that the lullabies don’t do it justice. So I try to sing other things–”Sweet Child O’ Mine” by GNR, “I’d Run Away” by the Jayhawks, “Up the Junction” by Squeeze, “Thunder Road” and “Backstreets” by Springsteen. . .anything I can remember the lyrics to. Both the Wisconsin and Notre Dame fight songs have crept into rotation when I’m really desperate for material.

Your Grandma Nolan continues to come over almost every day to help take care of you, which remains a total godsend. You’ve had other visitors too, but still haven’t met all your aunts/uncles/cousins/great-grandparents and close family friends–by choice, I’ve kept us in a pretty small little cocoon until I feel like you –but mainly I– can handle more visitors. Hopefully that will be soon.

Mostly, I just remain totally amazed at you. You are so perfect and so beautiful, it fills up my heart to just look at you. Sometimes I can’t even breath when I think about all that’s yet to come, and how just by being here, you make me want to be a better person. I so want to do right by you, little guy, and although I know I won’t always, I am sure that I’ll always love you like crazy.

If I could leave you with a picture of us this first month, my baby Henry, it would be of us curled up together, getting to know one another. Ignore my tears dripping into your t-shirt, ignore the messy house, ignore my shocking lack of personal hygiene… just look at us and know how much I love you, and how much I will always love you.

Love,

Mommy

Napping with Daddy

A strong grip. . .

for such tiny hands